Today is the first of two days that I have to go into the office early, cannibalizing my writing time. After all that work has been doing to keep me late over the past weeks (and the next few to come), it’s annoying. But today, I’m going in for a mass clean-up, so at least I won’t be in front of my damned inbox.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been suffering at work and in front of the keyboard. I haven’t been satisfied with my performance at either desk and felt like I’m not up to anyone’s expectations – and that’s a problem.
I realized this morning that I shouldn’t be worried about being up to someone else’s expectations, and that came from writing advice. I was reading Larry Brooks’ Story Engineering while waiting for my coffee to boil, and he had a comment about how the more you try to force writing voice and write like you think others expect, the more likely you are to fail. Writing voice comes from practice and finding your way to write with confidence, so it flows naturally.
Life should probably be that way, too.
I should spend less time worrying about what others think about the way I do things or how they evaluate my performance. If I’m confident that I’m doing the best for my students and the university, then it doesn’t really matter what others think.
Of course, just like writing voice, simply saying that and putting it into practice are two very different things. I can’t just get over my constant anxiety, lack of confidence, and imposter syndrome all at once. But maybe what I can do for now is to recognize them for what they are when they come up. Step back. Think broadly. Keep going.