This is probably one of my biggest problems. In particular, I think it stands in the way of my writing success.
Whenever I’m around other people, I pay way more attention to their needs than I do my own interests. For example, at work, I try hard to please my bosses and coworkers, even though I don’t particularly feel a passion for the job and it doesn’t fulfill me. When I’m alone with myself and think about what I want to do, I resent the mental energy that I put into my job and people that I ultimately don’t care about.
I know this about myself, but I don’t know how to break out of it. I guess it’s time to do a little research. Under normal circumstances, counseling might even be in order, but since I live in a foreign country without access to counseling in English, that is a bit difficult for now.
When I’m alone–sitting here typing–then it’s easy for me to say things like I want to do the minimum possible to get by at work and focus on what I want. But when it comes down to defining what I want. . . I struggle. I recently had a week more or less to myself when the family was away, but all I managed to do was come home after work, make dinner and watch stupid TV.
(By the way, season 2 of Good Omens? Seriously depressing conclusion. Reminds me of the reaction I had to the end of season 4 of Dexter, when I decided I would never watch the show again.)
Maybe I’m afraid to set a goal all for myself, without it being to someone else’s benefit in some way. That’s something I’ll have to work on.
This seems like it might be a good personality disorder to write into a future character. Probably an unreliable ally or even an opponent. Maybe if I do that, I’ll be able to figure out how to overcome my own issues. (But don’t worry, it’s not going to be on-page selfish personal therapy. My people pleaser personality wouldn’t allow that!)